Thursday, December 13, 2007

Check-in

There was a lot of substance in group tonight. One member announced her intention to leave, for sure, on date certain. I will miss her, but my loss and sadness are mixed with sympathetic joy and compassion. She's leaving to do something which is at least as risky as staying in group, so I don't feel like she's fleeing the group in cowardice. And what she is doing is an expression of her, she's going to graduate school in her field in pursuit of a PhD.

She will have an obligation associated with that which is coincidental with the group's weekly meeting. After that is over, she'll just as likely need the time for something else. Being a graduate student requires time and attention. Her choice is rational and appropriate.

And that does make it hurt less somehow because I am not shouldering the additional feelings of resentment, anger, disagreement or confusion by her choice. It is what it is. Our relationship is going to end in about a month.

Of course I want to stay in touch with her after group. She was my buddy in group, someone with whom I felt no agenda in the relationship other than to have it. I just wanted her to be herself. I love her.

Will I? I honestly don't know. I know I want to, but that doesn't a relationship make. She's attractive, kind, funny, and smart, but I have no romantic agenda with her. There are many reasons for that, it doesn't really matter what they are, they exist.

The only question I have is whether I will pursue friendship with her after she leaves the group. I don't have to make that decision now, so I'm not making it. I'll have a lot more information later when it becomes relevant.

The new roommate did not rob me blind or kill my cat while I was in Texas. Because of this he can advance a level in his quest for perfect roommateness.

I am having angry and retaliatory thoughts towards my father's widow. I am observing those, being mindful of them, looking compassionately for wisdom and information in all that. I will never act in anger, or to retaliate, but that doesn't mean I'm not going to act. I will not disappear.

Lots of emotions going on. Lots of practice. I am satisfied with my sitting. Thoughts are seen more clearly. Actions are more mindful and deliberate. There's a reason why for so many zen practice becomes a part of life like showering and brushing teeth. Sitting is as fundamental as those other ways of simply caring for one's self. I am continually shifting and arranging things so that I can sit well.

Be well, be happy, be free of confusion and dissatisfaction.

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