"When you see love as a way of being present for somebody rather than just "feeling" something for them, everything changes."
This is a blurb on an advertising insert from Shambhala, a book publisher, that was in a book I bought last week. It is advertising this book--How to Be and Adult in Relationships, by David Richo.
I have not read or even seen the book, I know nothing about it. This post is not about the book, it's about this blurb I saw in the advertising insert.
But, that one sentence has a treasure trove of wisdom in it. Oh, if I had just realized that 30 years ago....
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Chicago dogs are awesome
I'd heard about them, but I didn't believe.
Stuck at Midway for 3 hours, even the hot dogs are the friggin airport are dah bomb. Char-grilled, piled high with peppers, onions, etc.
Now I believe. I must master this dish.
Yes, I lived almost 50 years without having one, and this is not my first trip to Chicago, though it has been a while (20-odd years). I don't know what was wrong with me before.
Stuck at Midway for 3 hours, even the hot dogs are the friggin airport are dah bomb. Char-grilled, piled high with peppers, onions, etc.
Now I believe. I must master this dish.
Yes, I lived almost 50 years without having one, and this is not my first trip to Chicago, though it has been a while (20-odd years). I don't know what was wrong with me before.
Friday, October 10, 2008
On politics in 2008
This election year has been unique in a number of ways, particularly for me, and particularly unique for the last 16 years.
First, some disclosure for those who don't know. I am a registered Democrat and I have been since 1984. I am proudly Liberal and Socialism doesn't scare me. I do not believe that G. W. Bush actually won the election in 2000. I decided upon Barack Obama as my choice for the Presidential nomination at the end of January, but if I could have had the opportunity to choose earlier, Chris Dodd would have been my choice. I have worked in 5 Presidential campaigns and two Gubernatorial races. I have voted for one Republican, Mike Bloomberg for NYC Mayor, twice, and I will vote for him a third time if given the opportunity.
This election is a change from the last two because neither of the candidates scares me. I knew in 1999 (as did anyone else who chose to open their eyes) that a George W. Bush presidency would be an unmitigated disaster for this country. In previous campaigns I was just working to express a preference, in 2000 and 2004 I was desperately trying to prevent a national tragedy.
I like this better. Even though I'm completed disgusted by the campaign McCain is running. his Presidency didn't scare me until he chose Sarah Palin. Ms. Palin is completely unprepared and unqualified to be Vice President. This choice was reckless and completely irresponsible. Something happened to McCain, something got to him. He wants this too badly. He's forgotten why he got into public service.
This is sad for me because i have a lot of friends who are life-long Republicans. They haven't had national leadership they could be proud of in 12 years. They aren't Republicans because they believe in borrow-and-spend legislation, corruption, abuse of power, torture, lying, militaristic opportunism, governmental incompetence and institutional hate. But, that's what their party has done with their support since Bob Dole lost to Clinton in 1996.
They had a chance this year, McCain has a long record of being a decent man, a competent legislator and an enlightened leader, particularly in times of crisis. Then, whatever happened to him happened. They're back in the idiot-bucket, either reduced to apologizing for their leadership and holding their nose to vote, or they simply have stopped discussing politics and stopped voting altogether, dismissing the entire field with the same brush.
While Obama has misrepresented McCain's record on Social Security and exaggerated the closeness of his association with (and emulation of) G. W. Bush, he hasn't even approximated the lows of the McCain campaign since the convention. Politics could stand some kindness, generosity and wisdom on both sides, but there's a palpable difference between the parties in tone and restraint. My Republican friends are decent, polite, respectful people whom I trust with my feelings and reputation. They deserve better leadership.
Winning isn't everything. It's not even the third or fourth most important thing. It's like watching Jerry Springer or Reality TV sometimes, I just can't believe that people are willing to act that way in public.
It is interesting that in the same year that Hillary Clinton broke such ground for women with her campaign, Sarah Palin trots out the worst stereotypes of anti-feminist lore. She's trading on her looks, she's vindictive, vicious, unprepared, and vain. Every old boys network that has whispered behind the back of a female executive promoted beyond her capabilities has practically described Ms. Palin to a T. The McCain campaign is treating her like a fiance that no one in the family likes, keeping her protected and under wraps, accusing anyone who challenges her as a childish, sexist, partisan while preventing Ms. Palin from having the opportunity to defend herself and demonstrate that she is something more than a cheerleader in a silk jacket and tailored skirt. The contempt that the McCain campaign shows for Ms. Palin by protecting her like some delicate, fragile flower is far more palpable than anything offered by the opposition, the press, or the public.
"Being thrown under the bus" is going to take on a new meaning when McCain loses this campaign. Sarah Palin is going to be virtually tarred and feathered. This trooper firing thing is going to hang around like a bad rash. She been the point person on the hate-mongering that has rapidly gotten so out of hand that McCain had to dial it back today, getting booed by his own rally for doing so. She's the reason that a large number of conservatives offended by her anti-intellectualism will stay home on election day. She is going to be the face of McCain's loss this year.
I expect she'll end up with a show on Fox News, though.
I'll make my prediction public now about the popular vote--Obama 55%, McCain 41%. Both Ron Paul and Bob Barr are going to poll more than expected. They won't throw the results, but they will embarrass McCain as the election will be compared to LBJ in 1964. In the electoral college I am thinking about 293-245.
I don't support everything Obama has proposed. I like HIllary's health plan better, I liked Edwards' focus on economic violence (aka poverty) better, I even found Huckabee's focus on small businesses and rural economics an interesting approach. But, I've been around long enough to realize that no Presidential candidate gets everything legislatively that is promised.
If we get a responsible government out of this election, it will be the first in a long time, and there will be a lot of work to do. One of Obama's core values is that compromise is better than loss, so I imagine a lot of work will get done on long-overdue domestic legislation. With regard to foreign policy, it's clear that the entire world is just holding its collective breath until Bush is gone, I'm confident we'll get a lot of good work done there as well.
WIll taxes go up under Obama? Yes. That's the price we'll pay for responsible government. Less spending on our children's credit. I live in one of the highest taxed locales in the country, I pay about 40% of my income for the privilege of living in New York City. I am a single childless male earning in the high five figures. I get no relief from anywhere, I just pay.
That's fine with me. NYC government is efficient and helpful People who need help get it, the city works. I value the quality of my life more than the quantity of my bank account. Taxes are not a dirty word to me.
So, that's it. I've been commenting on the election in other people's blogs, but not writing much on my own. I am not in a campaign this year. That's weird, it reminds me of the first fall that I didn't go to school. I'm a bit disoriented, but okay. It really is fun in a way to watch.
First, some disclosure for those who don't know. I am a registered Democrat and I have been since 1984. I am proudly Liberal and Socialism doesn't scare me. I do not believe that G. W. Bush actually won the election in 2000. I decided upon Barack Obama as my choice for the Presidential nomination at the end of January, but if I could have had the opportunity to choose earlier, Chris Dodd would have been my choice. I have worked in 5 Presidential campaigns and two Gubernatorial races. I have voted for one Republican, Mike Bloomberg for NYC Mayor, twice, and I will vote for him a third time if given the opportunity.
This election is a change from the last two because neither of the candidates scares me. I knew in 1999 (as did anyone else who chose to open their eyes) that a George W. Bush presidency would be an unmitigated disaster for this country. In previous campaigns I was just working to express a preference, in 2000 and 2004 I was desperately trying to prevent a national tragedy.
I like this better. Even though I'm completed disgusted by the campaign McCain is running. his Presidency didn't scare me until he chose Sarah Palin. Ms. Palin is completely unprepared and unqualified to be Vice President. This choice was reckless and completely irresponsible. Something happened to McCain, something got to him. He wants this too badly. He's forgotten why he got into public service.
This is sad for me because i have a lot of friends who are life-long Republicans. They haven't had national leadership they could be proud of in 12 years. They aren't Republicans because they believe in borrow-and-spend legislation, corruption, abuse of power, torture, lying, militaristic opportunism, governmental incompetence and institutional hate. But, that's what their party has done with their support since Bob Dole lost to Clinton in 1996.
They had a chance this year, McCain has a long record of being a decent man, a competent legislator and an enlightened leader, particularly in times of crisis. Then, whatever happened to him happened. They're back in the idiot-bucket, either reduced to apologizing for their leadership and holding their nose to vote, or they simply have stopped discussing politics and stopped voting altogether, dismissing the entire field with the same brush.
While Obama has misrepresented McCain's record on Social Security and exaggerated the closeness of his association with (and emulation of) G. W. Bush, he hasn't even approximated the lows of the McCain campaign since the convention. Politics could stand some kindness, generosity and wisdom on both sides, but there's a palpable difference between the parties in tone and restraint. My Republican friends are decent, polite, respectful people whom I trust with my feelings and reputation. They deserve better leadership.
Winning isn't everything. It's not even the third or fourth most important thing. It's like watching Jerry Springer or Reality TV sometimes, I just can't believe that people are willing to act that way in public.
It is interesting that in the same year that Hillary Clinton broke such ground for women with her campaign, Sarah Palin trots out the worst stereotypes of anti-feminist lore. She's trading on her looks, she's vindictive, vicious, unprepared, and vain. Every old boys network that has whispered behind the back of a female executive promoted beyond her capabilities has practically described Ms. Palin to a T. The McCain campaign is treating her like a fiance that no one in the family likes, keeping her protected and under wraps, accusing anyone who challenges her as a childish, sexist, partisan while preventing Ms. Palin from having the opportunity to defend herself and demonstrate that she is something more than a cheerleader in a silk jacket and tailored skirt. The contempt that the McCain campaign shows for Ms. Palin by protecting her like some delicate, fragile flower is far more palpable than anything offered by the opposition, the press, or the public.
"Being thrown under the bus" is going to take on a new meaning when McCain loses this campaign. Sarah Palin is going to be virtually tarred and feathered. This trooper firing thing is going to hang around like a bad rash. She been the point person on the hate-mongering that has rapidly gotten so out of hand that McCain had to dial it back today, getting booed by his own rally for doing so. She's the reason that a large number of conservatives offended by her anti-intellectualism will stay home on election day. She is going to be the face of McCain's loss this year.
I expect she'll end up with a show on Fox News, though.
I'll make my prediction public now about the popular vote--Obama 55%, McCain 41%. Both Ron Paul and Bob Barr are going to poll more than expected. They won't throw the results, but they will embarrass McCain as the election will be compared to LBJ in 1964. In the electoral college I am thinking about 293-245.
I don't support everything Obama has proposed. I like HIllary's health plan better, I liked Edwards' focus on economic violence (aka poverty) better, I even found Huckabee's focus on small businesses and rural economics an interesting approach. But, I've been around long enough to realize that no Presidential candidate gets everything legislatively that is promised.
If we get a responsible government out of this election, it will be the first in a long time, and there will be a lot of work to do. One of Obama's core values is that compromise is better than loss, so I imagine a lot of work will get done on long-overdue domestic legislation. With regard to foreign policy, it's clear that the entire world is just holding its collective breath until Bush is gone, I'm confident we'll get a lot of good work done there as well.
WIll taxes go up under Obama? Yes. That's the price we'll pay for responsible government. Less spending on our children's credit. I live in one of the highest taxed locales in the country, I pay about 40% of my income for the privilege of living in New York City. I am a single childless male earning in the high five figures. I get no relief from anywhere, I just pay.
That's fine with me. NYC government is efficient and helpful People who need help get it, the city works. I value the quality of my life more than the quantity of my bank account. Taxes are not a dirty word to me.
So, that's it. I've been commenting on the election in other people's blogs, but not writing much on my own. I am not in a campaign this year. That's weird, it reminds me of the first fall that I didn't go to school. I'm a bit disoriented, but okay. It really is fun in a way to watch.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
How you can help with the credit crisis.
Save more.
I hope in my lifetime we get another President willing to ask the American people to sacrifice something when we have a problem. I am utterly dismayed that noticeably absent from all this discussion about the financial crisis is a rallying cry to the people to help.
We could all do a lot to put our house back in order if we would save more.
No, it's not the only answer, it's not a complete solution, but it would make a big dent in the problem if people simply banked more money.
For those of you still confused about what the problem really is, let me spell out for you what isn't in the public discourse. It all boils down to this--the banks are afraid to lend each other money because they aren't sure that the other banks actually have any money.
Money comes in many forms for a bank: cash, property, commodities and "paper," i.e., contracts for payment later. There's a lot of "paper" out there that might not be worth anything because the promise of repayment was accepted without any real evidence that it could be kept.
The plan is to have the government buy up a lot of the paper so that the banks have real money instead. That will allow the banks to comfortably lend to each other again and we can have a more stable economic recession in the coming years. The recession is a done deal, there's no way around that, the question is whether it will be orderly or chaotic.
So, if you want to help, what the banks need is cash deposits. Truly, if everyone would simply bank as much as possible of their paychecks for the rest of the year we wouldn't need any government bail-out. I know that's not going to happen, just like my diligent recycling and re-use isn't going to close any landfills, but it helps.
So, find something you regularly consume (and spend cash for) that you can do without and bank that money instead of spending. This economy needs correction as much as Wall Street. We have too many consumer goods (and services), too many jobs that depend upon their consumption. It's not healthy, it is not sustainable.
Bank your cash.
I hope in my lifetime we get another President willing to ask the American people to sacrifice something when we have a problem. I am utterly dismayed that noticeably absent from all this discussion about the financial crisis is a rallying cry to the people to help.
We could all do a lot to put our house back in order if we would save more.
No, it's not the only answer, it's not a complete solution, but it would make a big dent in the problem if people simply banked more money.
For those of you still confused about what the problem really is, let me spell out for you what isn't in the public discourse. It all boils down to this--the banks are afraid to lend each other money because they aren't sure that the other banks actually have any money.
Money comes in many forms for a bank: cash, property, commodities and "paper," i.e., contracts for payment later. There's a lot of "paper" out there that might not be worth anything because the promise of repayment was accepted without any real evidence that it could be kept.
The plan is to have the government buy up a lot of the paper so that the banks have real money instead. That will allow the banks to comfortably lend to each other again and we can have a more stable economic recession in the coming years. The recession is a done deal, there's no way around that, the question is whether it will be orderly or chaotic.
So, if you want to help, what the banks need is cash deposits. Truly, if everyone would simply bank as much as possible of their paychecks for the rest of the year we wouldn't need any government bail-out. I know that's not going to happen, just like my diligent recycling and re-use isn't going to close any landfills, but it helps.
So, find something you regularly consume (and spend cash for) that you can do without and bank that money instead of spending. This economy needs correction as much as Wall Street. We have too many consumer goods (and services), too many jobs that depend upon their consumption. It's not healthy, it is not sustainable.
Bank your cash.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
By request: How I became a Buddhist (and why I'm trying to un-do all that).
Sam requested this one.
I have to reach back to high school to find the very beginning of what (I believe) led me to Buddhism. I went to a Catholic High School that was jointly led by a very progressive Benedictine Friary and Convent. Religion courses were required content every year, but by the time I enrolled (10th grade) they were through with teaching Catholicism, the courses were all comparative religion courses, and remember this was the 70s, before the Christo-fascists had achieved their domination of religious life in this country, so they were all earnest examinations of the common threads that run through all religious disciplines.
When we got to Buddhism in my sophomore year, the cleric teaching the course, a Friar (we called him "brother"), took us all into one of the chapels. We pushed the pews out of the way, sat on the floor, lit a candle, and he taught us to meditate.
Simple enough, right? I'll bet everyone reading this has had someone "teach" them to meditate this way at one time or another.
Well, this very first time meditating, on the floor of that chapel in my high school, I had what we Japanese-oriented Zen Buddhists call a "kensho" experience. I suddenly had the experience of non-duality, realizing a taste of the true nature of reality, truly "seeing" for the first (and only, so far) time in my life what is really happening in front of every one of us all the time.
I can't describe it, any words I put to it automatically become false as soon as they are uttered. It is a "what color is a sunset?" question. It can't be answered, can't be described, can't be discussed, etc. Those who have had a taste of this know why, but they can't really transfer that realization to anyone else.
In the way that you can say a sunset is "orange," I can say that the experience was profoundly comforting and satisfying, but just like calling a sunset "orange" when there are so many other hues present, not to mention the contribution of the blue of a clear sky in the east, the white of puffy clouds, etc etc, etc, similarly the words "comforting" and "satisfying" are puny and impotent.
I didn't meditate again for 7 years, but I sure thought those Buddhists were on to something. I also read everything by Alan Watts, who does a really good job of covering the intellectual life of Zen. There's an Alan Watts podcast service now which I highly recommend to anyone who likes hearing a lively philosopher discuss his work, even if zen buddhism is not a passion of yours.
In 1981 I was a taxi driver in Austin. I was a bad taxi driver, or I should say I was a good driver for everyone except myself, my customers and the dispatcher liked me well enough, but I didn't make any money because I lacked the cut-throat competitiveness that being successful in that line of work demanded. We didn't work on street-hails, we were dispatched, and we were dispatched over CB, so my calls were intercepted frequently by other drivers and I did a lot of driving around discovering that the person who called for a cab had already left. I also was tricked by a number of hookers and other hustlers out of money and into dicey situations.
I soon found that my best strategy was just to stay in downtown Austin and wait for a call that I could get to quickly. The dispatchers liked this, there wasn't a lot of dispatch from downtown, but when they needed one they had me and they knew I would get there in a hurry. This left me with a lot of time on my hands so I began reading.
I read The Three Pillars of Zen by Phillip Kapleau, mostly while sitting in my cab under the canopy of an old gas station in downtown Austin (a site which is now a large bank). This book, published in 1965, was one of the first books (in English) to discuss Zen Buddhism not as a mysterious and opaque philosophy, but rather as a way of living. I didn't do anything with my practice at this point, I was more interested in chasing girls and finding unique and unusual ways to alter my consciousness back then, but I did resolve at this time that if I ever found myself needing a religious practice this would definitely be it.
Over the next 20 years I would meditate off and on, usually to increase the esteem some bra-less beauty had for me (so I could seem all spiritual and stuff to coax her out of the rest of her clothes), but I never had anything I could honestly call a practice until (I followed yet another woman into) a meditation course in New York in 2003.
This was with the Friends of Western Buddhism Order in New York City. Vajramati, a very pleasant English gentleman, was my teacher. I can't explain why this stuck, the woman I was in pursuit of only stayed for the first class of an eight week series, but stick it did, and I have meditated essentially every day since.
As my practice matured I found it helpful to study. At first, I studied the FWBO literature earnestly, thinking that would be my path, but I quickly became disenchanted with the mysticism and complexity of it. Because of my roots in Zen I came back to Zen study. I came back to "Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind" and began to sit in zazen, the zen way of sitting, rather than in the way that the FWBO sits, and my practice began to deepen quickly.
Things went along fine, I was sitting at home alone on a regular basis, and I was reading voraciously every book I could find on zen, trying to find a teacher. I then came to Steve Hagen, the author of "Buddhism Plain and Simple," and I found his approach very resonant with my thoughts.
I don't like mysticism, I don't like religious-ness. I don't like hierarchy, formality or pretense. I much prefer simplicity and humility. I felt like I had a taste of much of practice except that I had never done so at a zen center. I arranged to sit a one-day sesshin (meditation intensive) at San Francisco Zen Center in the summer of 2006 that forever altered the course of my practice. I had a terrible time, but I realized that zen was for me.
Sitting with others made a palpable difference in my practice. I had heard a lot about different experiences that people go through in the course of practice but it was all theory to me until I began sitting zazen with other people. Suddenly all this stuff that people talk about--visions, hallucinations, bodily sensations, out-of-body experiences, etc--manifested in my practice. Ultimately, none of that is as significant as it sounds, it's all jazz, but having the experiences finally caused me to feel like I was a part of something.
The next turning point was regularly listening to the dharma talks broadcast as pod-casts from Steve Hagen, whom I now regard as my teacher. Steve and I are a lot alike intellectually and emotionally. We are both matter-of-fact scientists at heart, impatient with bullshit no matter how well it is dressed, and this makes him a very effective teacher for me.
Once I began to really study with Steve it all fell into place, or it all fell apart, depending on where you sit. (insert rim-shot here) I acquired a lineage, a tradition of teachers and teachings, and I really began to see things as they really are.
One important thing upon Steve and I agree is that we both regret becoming Buddhists. We don't regret our practice, we don't reject the opportunities to teach that the identification as a Buddhist sometimes presents, but we regret ever thinking that we had to form ourselves around something particular. That is, someone who is a Buddhist is not a Christian.
That's utter Bullshit. Total, complete, transparent bullshit. Look for a Buddhist, look for a Christian. If you really see, there's no there there. There's a lot of belief and thought around all that, but that's something very different from reality.
So, these days I don't talk about being a Buddhist and I am hoping that some day people will forget that I ever called myself such a thing. I still study the Teaching, and I always will, but my view of it requires that I reject "-isms" of any kind. I most like talking about the Dharma (the Teaching) without using any Buddhist terminology whatsoever.
I don't mind other people calling me a Buddhist, don't get me wrong. If it helps to do so, please do, but I do not apply that label to myself. Doing so is just grist for more disappointment and delusion.
I have plenty already.
Hope that was what you wanted, Sam.
I have to reach back to high school to find the very beginning of what (I believe) led me to Buddhism. I went to a Catholic High School that was jointly led by a very progressive Benedictine Friary and Convent. Religion courses were required content every year, but by the time I enrolled (10th grade) they were through with teaching Catholicism, the courses were all comparative religion courses, and remember this was the 70s, before the Christo-fascists had achieved their domination of religious life in this country, so they were all earnest examinations of the common threads that run through all religious disciplines.
When we got to Buddhism in my sophomore year, the cleric teaching the course, a Friar (we called him "brother"), took us all into one of the chapels. We pushed the pews out of the way, sat on the floor, lit a candle, and he taught us to meditate.
Simple enough, right? I'll bet everyone reading this has had someone "teach" them to meditate this way at one time or another.
Well, this very first time meditating, on the floor of that chapel in my high school, I had what we Japanese-oriented Zen Buddhists call a "kensho" experience. I suddenly had the experience of non-duality, realizing a taste of the true nature of reality, truly "seeing" for the first (and only, so far) time in my life what is really happening in front of every one of us all the time.
I can't describe it, any words I put to it automatically become false as soon as they are uttered. It is a "what color is a sunset?" question. It can't be answered, can't be described, can't be discussed, etc. Those who have had a taste of this know why, but they can't really transfer that realization to anyone else.
In the way that you can say a sunset is "orange," I can say that the experience was profoundly comforting and satisfying, but just like calling a sunset "orange" when there are so many other hues present, not to mention the contribution of the blue of a clear sky in the east, the white of puffy clouds, etc etc, etc, similarly the words "comforting" and "satisfying" are puny and impotent.
I didn't meditate again for 7 years, but I sure thought those Buddhists were on to something. I also read everything by Alan Watts, who does a really good job of covering the intellectual life of Zen. There's an Alan Watts podcast service now which I highly recommend to anyone who likes hearing a lively philosopher discuss his work, even if zen buddhism is not a passion of yours.
In 1981 I was a taxi driver in Austin. I was a bad taxi driver, or I should say I was a good driver for everyone except myself, my customers and the dispatcher liked me well enough, but I didn't make any money because I lacked the cut-throat competitiveness that being successful in that line of work demanded. We didn't work on street-hails, we were dispatched, and we were dispatched over CB, so my calls were intercepted frequently by other drivers and I did a lot of driving around discovering that the person who called for a cab had already left. I also was tricked by a number of hookers and other hustlers out of money and into dicey situations.
I soon found that my best strategy was just to stay in downtown Austin and wait for a call that I could get to quickly. The dispatchers liked this, there wasn't a lot of dispatch from downtown, but when they needed one they had me and they knew I would get there in a hurry. This left me with a lot of time on my hands so I began reading.
I read The Three Pillars of Zen by Phillip Kapleau, mostly while sitting in my cab under the canopy of an old gas station in downtown Austin (a site which is now a large bank). This book, published in 1965, was one of the first books (in English) to discuss Zen Buddhism not as a mysterious and opaque philosophy, but rather as a way of living. I didn't do anything with my practice at this point, I was more interested in chasing girls and finding unique and unusual ways to alter my consciousness back then, but I did resolve at this time that if I ever found myself needing a religious practice this would definitely be it.
Over the next 20 years I would meditate off and on, usually to increase the esteem some bra-less beauty had for me (so I could seem all spiritual and stuff to coax her out of the rest of her clothes), but I never had anything I could honestly call a practice until (I followed yet another woman into) a meditation course in New York in 2003.
This was with the Friends of Western Buddhism Order in New York City. Vajramati, a very pleasant English gentleman, was my teacher. I can't explain why this stuck, the woman I was in pursuit of only stayed for the first class of an eight week series, but stick it did, and I have meditated essentially every day since.
As my practice matured I found it helpful to study. At first, I studied the FWBO literature earnestly, thinking that would be my path, but I quickly became disenchanted with the mysticism and complexity of it. Because of my roots in Zen I came back to Zen study. I came back to "Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind" and began to sit in zazen, the zen way of sitting, rather than in the way that the FWBO sits, and my practice began to deepen quickly.
Things went along fine, I was sitting at home alone on a regular basis, and I was reading voraciously every book I could find on zen, trying to find a teacher. I then came to Steve Hagen, the author of "Buddhism Plain and Simple," and I found his approach very resonant with my thoughts.
I don't like mysticism, I don't like religious-ness. I don't like hierarchy, formality or pretense. I much prefer simplicity and humility. I felt like I had a taste of much of practice except that I had never done so at a zen center. I arranged to sit a one-day sesshin (meditation intensive) at San Francisco Zen Center in the summer of 2006 that forever altered the course of my practice. I had a terrible time, but I realized that zen was for me.
Sitting with others made a palpable difference in my practice. I had heard a lot about different experiences that people go through in the course of practice but it was all theory to me until I began sitting zazen with other people. Suddenly all this stuff that people talk about--visions, hallucinations, bodily sensations, out-of-body experiences, etc--manifested in my practice. Ultimately, none of that is as significant as it sounds, it's all jazz, but having the experiences finally caused me to feel like I was a part of something.
The next turning point was regularly listening to the dharma talks broadcast as pod-casts from Steve Hagen, whom I now regard as my teacher. Steve and I are a lot alike intellectually and emotionally. We are both matter-of-fact scientists at heart, impatient with bullshit no matter how well it is dressed, and this makes him a very effective teacher for me.
Once I began to really study with Steve it all fell into place, or it all fell apart, depending on where you sit. (insert rim-shot here) I acquired a lineage, a tradition of teachers and teachings, and I really began to see things as they really are.
One important thing upon Steve and I agree is that we both regret becoming Buddhists. We don't regret our practice, we don't reject the opportunities to teach that the identification as a Buddhist sometimes presents, but we regret ever thinking that we had to form ourselves around something particular. That is, someone who is a Buddhist is not a Christian.
That's utter Bullshit. Total, complete, transparent bullshit. Look for a Buddhist, look for a Christian. If you really see, there's no there there. There's a lot of belief and thought around all that, but that's something very different from reality.
So, these days I don't talk about being a Buddhist and I am hoping that some day people will forget that I ever called myself such a thing. I still study the Teaching, and I always will, but my view of it requires that I reject "-isms" of any kind. I most like talking about the Dharma (the Teaching) without using any Buddhist terminology whatsoever.
I don't mind other people calling me a Buddhist, don't get me wrong. If it helps to do so, please do, but I do not apply that label to myself. Doing so is just grist for more disappointment and delusion.
I have plenty already.
Hope that was what you wanted, Sam.
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