This is me when I've "had it."

I am fed up with my habit of trying to be what others expect me to be.  If you sense anger in those words, it's there, but the target of my anger is the ineffective habits I have developed.  The people around me are just people, and while I am angry at some people too, I also see that this anger at individuals is mostly different permutations of this basic frustration.  I may have some information for those people, but little will be solved for me by providing it.  The problem isn't "out there."

I have gotten away from who I am, and what is important to me, in service to other people's agendas.  It's not their fault, I haven't been coerced, or deceived, or manipulated in some unusual way.  I've made bad choices.

I know that's vague, and it's vague because there's too much information to even know where to begin.  I am dissatisfied with my life.  I am not dissatisfied with other people.  I'm not even really dissatisfied with myself.  I am dissatisfied with the results of my actions.  I'm going to change what I've been doing.

For this audience, people who in some part know me online, I do want to announce the following:

• I am removing the e-mail clients from my telephone.  From now on, e-mail will be the way to send me a message that I will read at my desk when I am ready to answer e-mail.  If you need to inform me of something urgent, use a voice call or a text message.
• Facebook is a little problem for me the way that it is for a lot of people.  The use of emotionally-loaded words like "Friend" and "Like" as labels for making changes to a database record is emotionally confusing for me, even though I rationally know what is going on.  I'll be writing more about Facebook later, but please do not try to understand anything about our real relationship from our interaction, or lack of it, on Facebook.
• If our friendship is mostly about me coming to see you, you're going to notice the biggest difference.  I have a number of friends who do make a reciprocal effort.  I'm going to be hanging out with them.  I know I'm part of the problem, you might not have had a chance to reciprocate because I haven't allowed it.  Now you have a chance.
• If I've offended you and I have not apologized, I don't know that I've offended you.   I want to know.  Just tell me, I'll do the rest.

Thanks for reading this far.  I'll get through this, you will too.