Chickens, they cross roads, don't they?

BARACK OBAMA:

The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!


JOHN MCCAIN:

My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.


HILLARY CLINTON:

When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure -- right from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.......


DR. PHIL:

The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.


OPRAH:

Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.


GEORGE W. BUSH:

We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.


COLIN POWELL:

Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...


ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:

We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.


JOHN KERRY:

Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.


NANCY GRACE:

That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.



PAT BUCHANAN:

To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.


MARTHA STEWART:

No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.


DR SEUSS:

Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.


ERNEST HEMINGWAY:

To die in the rain. Alone.


JERRY FALWELL:

Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?' That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side'. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.


GRANDPA:

In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.


BARBARA WALTERS:

Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.


ARISTOTLE:

It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.


JOHN LENNON:

Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.


BILL GATES:

I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% ........ reboot.


ALBERT EINSTEIN:

Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?


BILL CLINTON:

I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?


AL GORE:

I invented the chicken!


COLONEL SANDERS:

Did I miss one?


DICK CHENEY:

Where's my gun?



AL SHARPTON:

Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

Buddhist QOTD: Mindfulness

Mindfulness is present-time awareness. It takes place in the here and now. It is the observance of what is happening right now, in the present moment. It stays forever in the present, perpetually on the crest of the ongoing wave of passing time.

If you are remembering your second-grade teacher, that is memory. When you then become aware that you are remembering your second-grade teacher, that is mindfulness. If you then conceptualize that process and say to yourself, "Oh, I am remembering," that is thinking.

--Henepola Gunaratana, from Mindfulness in Plain English

On why

A few nights ago, at some point between our second and third bottle of wine, a friend of mine and I were talking about problems he is experiencing at work. My friend had a bunch of questions he was struggling with. As he went through them I noticed that they all began with "why," as in "Why does my boss do this?" "Why does this keep happening?" "Why can't I make this happen?" "Why can't I have a more normal workplace?"

I tried to direct my friend's attention away from questions that begin with "why."

Why? Because the answers don't really give you any useful information. When I know why something is happening I still have to answer the question "How do I handle this?"

I am not talking about how-questions that are disguised as why-questions, such as "Why does this script keep crashing at line 418?" The question there really is "How can I stop this script from crashing?"

I'm talking about questions like "Why can't I lose weight easily?"

That one has plagued me for years.

But let's construct a fantasy for a minute in which I get the answer. Let's say there's a DNA sequence on Chromosome 9 in Region D9S3607 for me which is gtaatactgg. People who can lose weight easily have gtaatactta. There's why.

Now what?

I am still left with all of my how-questions which all boil down to: "How can I manage to achieve and maintain optimum health given these circumstances?"

The answer to the why-question does nothing other than quiet my emotions (if it even accomplishes that) and I am free to do that (i.e, quiet my emotions) anyway. I don't really need the answer to the why-question to let go of the emotional/mental struggle my persistent, unrelenting insistence on an answer for it creates. I can just drop the rock.

Furthermore, the answer to this why-question really does nothing to assist me in getting to answers for my how-questions. If I am to optimize my health I still have to focus on making the same adjustments to my eating and activity habits just as before I knew why. Knowing why doesn't get me any closer to knowing how.

And don't tell me that knowing why makes it easier to find the peace of releasing yourself from the struggle. There's always another why. Using this example, I could then jump to "Why did I have parents who gave me this gene sequence?"

Yet, I have been prone to spend hours, days, weeks, months, and years of prolonged struggle with these why-questions. Why didn't I see this before?

Oops.

What rocks are you carrying?

Saturday, In the Park, I think it was May 17th

Keith Olbermann takes the words right out of my mouth

The Vows of the Airport Bodhisattva

Security checks are Interminable, I vow to pass through them all.

Airline gates are numberless, I vow to enter them.

Baggage claims are incomprehensible, I vow to pursue them.

Northwest's way is unsurpassable, I vow to realize it.

Ok, if you aren't a practicing buddhist, you aren't likely to get this without a little explanation, and even then I'm sure I'm killing off the humor by the explanation.  I am as much posting these because I want to be able to find them again.  Few jokes succeed which require this much explanation.

I, however, have been giggling all day.

There are as many versions of the Bodhisattva's vows as there are dharma teachers.

My teacher uses these:

I vow...

1. To save all sentient beings,  though they are numberless. 

2. To end all desires, though they are inexhaustible. 

3. To learn the Teachings,  though they are boundless. 

4. To live the Buddha Way, though it is unsurpassable.

If you'd like to hear my sangha singing (a slightly modified wording of) these, click here.

I regard this is sort of the "Our Father" for Buddhists, used in dozens of ceremonies, most practicing buddhists recite them daily, so they are very familiar.  Therefore, for me, "The Vows of the Airport Bodhisattva" are hilarious.  Think "Our Boarding Pass, who Art in Gate 3" or something (even funnier) like that.

They come from a dharma talk by Reb Anderson, a teacher from the San Francisco Zen Center, which he gave at Dharma Field Meditation and Learning Center, my teacher's center in Minneapolis, on May 4, 2008.

We now return to our regularly scheduled programming.

Italian police get to the bottom of this crime spree.

A man who allegedly photographed more than 3,000 women's bottoms as they toured Venice has been arrested.

He had a bag rigged with a camera, he followed women around in short skirts around St. Mark's square and got in position when they stopped or bent over to pick something up.

Now, I am confessed voyeur, low-tech, but 3,000? I think I would have gotten bored long before reaching that number. I think this is a powerful illustration of the "hungry ghost" realm in Buddhist psychology, where beings with infinitely large stomachs and impossibly thin necks constantly hunger for satisfaction of some desire, never able to get enough of what they hunger for.

How many cheek-pics does a pervert need
To confirm that her end is always near?
The answer my friend, is blowin in the wind.
The answer (not to mention the skirt) is blowin in the wind...

A few thoughts about the Presidential race.

First, regarding Lieberman and McCain going off about the Hamas leader's support of Obama. Ok, out of one side of your mouth you say Hamas is wrong about everything, wrong about the path to peace, wrong on strategy, wrong on tactics, wrong on political philosophy, wrong, wrong wrong.

Yet, in the midst of all that blunder, out of the other side of your mouth you imply that they can correctly identify the Presidential candidate who will be most helpful to their cause if victorious. So, despite being isolated in closed societies overseas, isolated from robust avenues of effective US political analysis, in bed with some of the most myopic and deluded political communities in the world (Iran, Syria), they can be SO RIGHT about picking the Presidential candidate best suited to their ends. Damn, watch out Karl, Kahled Mashal apparently is qualified for that spot you just got at at Fox News (after Romney augured in)...

This is just like McCain denying that he told anyone would listen in 2001 that he didn't vote for Bush.

If you're going to lie boys, do it well.

HIllary, HIllary, Hillary. I feel a lot better that it is your money you're wasting these days, but please, learn to lose. We all know that you are hanging on for the possibility that someone else will recognize that a lot of white people who say they will vote for Obama won't. We know that. They're stupid. They are the same idiots that voted for Bush because they thought they might be rich some day and he would feather their future nest. They're real stupid, and they get mad when you call them on it. They're the reason this country collectively acts like a petulant, mean, adolescent a lot of the time.

But, they aren't going to vote for McCain, they're going to stay home. They don't care. The best way for the Democratic party to elect John McCain is to go against the wishes of the people and nominate you. The Democratic party would completely fall apart, turn-out would plummet, and King Pyrrhus himself would be outdone by the result.

By the way, stop claiming you won Texas. You have fewer pledged delegates from Texas than Obama. If the popular vote mattered that much we would have had President Gore.

Obama, first they ignore you, then they ridicule you, then they fight you, then you win.

George Carlin's Rules for 2008

Ed note: I have no idea if this is actually George Carlin's work, it came to me in an e-mail. I post because it's funny.

GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2008

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from
rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it
for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a
reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't
particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of
the football team is doing these days --- mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless
you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger
was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar.
What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,
blonde teachers are permanently damaged . I have a better description
for these kids: 'Lucky bastards.'

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care
about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole
aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery
taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want
flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your
flavored water

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee,
half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread
cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One
NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my
card, entering My PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount,
deciding, no, I don't want Cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the
kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my
Mars Bar.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it
doesn't make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass.
And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did
anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant.
You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy
old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a
remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's
remember the reason something was a television show in the first place
is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants.
After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just
had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell If he's supposed to be
there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your
webcam, Dude. I just want to wash my hands

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27
months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't
really care in the first place.

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that
pays better than Minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or
tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future
around saying, 'Do you want fries with that?'

Obama's got game

On Gas Tax Relief

It's not giving the public a break, it's cutting them in on the take.

The whole energy system in this country is insane. The energy companies are enjoying record profits while the government of, by and for the people is suffering severe financial setbacks. That's a transfer of wealth, people. Why does it make any sense for us to be transferring all of that wealth?

Go ahead, abate the tax. Here's what will happen. Gas prices will decline sharply, by about 75% of the actual reduction per unit measure the abatement represents. Supply will quickly dry up, there will be gasoline shortages for brief periods in small pockets of the country. Prices will rise, but not to the pre-abatement levels until late August, then they will shoot up sharply, 100% and more of the cost of the taxes as the abatement is lifted. The additional price hike will be attributed to supply problems, tax breaks will be given for building additional refinery capacity.

Used hybrid vehicles resale values will equal and may *exceed* their original showroom sticker. Leasing a hybrid will be the only option within reach for a lot of people who have to have them.

So, it's just a transfer of wealth from the government to the energy companies and the producers, with a side benefit for the hybrid vehicle industry on the rebound.

What we need now is a Volkswagen for our time. A hybrid vehicle like a Prius, or an all-electric plug-in car, that is within the reach of working people, something like $10,000, or feasible with insurance, taxes and the whole enchilada for $150-$200 a month.

So, the only thing we need to make that happen is the capital. If we are going to transfer all of this wealth to the energy companies over the summer, why not require them to start building inexpensive hybrid vehicles?

Well, because they will suck. Anytime you force human beings to do something you tend not to get their best work. The energy companies just need to pay for it. That's not a bad thing, this fantasy entails that money going to improve the energy infrastructure for everybody and for making some kind of a hybrid local personal transport vehicle available to regular people, and some of those people are going to be working for the energy companies. A rising tide lifts all boats.

Ok, it's socialist central economic planning, but it looks nice in a suit, right?

So, leave the tax alone. The pain that is going to be felt this summer is on the way already. Let it come.