This week I would have to entirely eschew sports programming on radio and television in order to accomplish that. Avoiding his terse performances of college frat-house faux-innocence is not that important.
Meanwhile, his buddy Bob, the owner of the football club, let it slip in an interview that the beef of the northeast is the trade of Garafalo to the forty-niners, where he has been nothing short of a sensation since getting off the plane. He described the solution as "some strong people should check their egos."
Ah, Bill. You're only perhaps the best professional American football coach in history. Your team has had a winning streak like no other during your tenure. You deliberately rebuked the New York Jets to agree to a deal with Bob that began all that, but some football decisions, namely which players to suit up, are not yours to make. I've been there in my business, buddy. It's a tough piece of cheese.
But wait, then Bob publicly kneels before Tom Brady by pronouncing that Sir Tom has the right to retire when he, and only he, sees fit. Good thing Tom doesn't have one of those un-checked egos.
This is Shakespearean. All we need is for Bill's son to have an affair with Giselle and we'll be acting this out in summer stock for decades. Why is Bob willing to throw shade at Bill publicly while almost in the very next breath kneeling publicly before Tom Brady? Which Bob will emerge next? The strong leader or the humble servant?
It's at this point it's fun to remind people that Bob lost a Super Bowl ring or something to Putin. And he and the President are great friends, by the way.
But let's get to the end of Act II. What if there really was something to deflate-gate, or something similarly underhanded, of which only Bob and Tom possess certain knowledge? What if Tom's demand for his loyal silence is that he be permitted the honor of dying of old age on the field of battle, damn the consequences for the football club? What if Tom's bottom-line is that Bob wait until Tom decides to retire to even begin the post-Brady-era rebuilding process?
Might that be the same guy that would go on in front of the microphones like this?
"Why does everyone want me to retire so bad?" he said chuckling. "I don't get it. I'm having fun. The team's doing good. I know I'm a little bit older than most of the guys, but I'm really enjoying it. Obviously, I enjoy the experience of playing in this game. This has been obviously a dream come true many times over. It takes a lot of hard work to get here, and I think our team is working hard ... We're playing against a great football team. So I'm not thinking about retirement. I'm thinking about the Super Bowl and trying to win the most important game of the year."
Tom's got something on Bob.